Fractals
by IShouldBeOverThis
Summary: In daydreams everything is the way that you want it.


In the daydream he's standing by the window, or maybe he's at his laptop, or over his chemicals or even just sitting on the couch, and his hair is a jumbled mess because he's run his fingers that are so long and white that you notice them when they're flailing about because he waves them around when he talks because he's never not dramatic through them and perhaps he looks at you or perhaps you just walk up to him wherever he is to turn his face to yours and kiss him and while in real life you have no idea if this would work at all or if he's a virgin or neutered or inhuman, this is your fantasy, and he'll be whatever you need him to be, which is probably just lightly experienced so that he's not terrified, but perhaps reluctant and you'll press your thin lips to his full ones and in the dream his mouth doesn't taste of his last meal or unbrushed teeth, and neither does yours and even though your lips are thin, you know you're a good kisser, so his lips are parting to meet yours and in your daydream he wants you just as much as you want him and he's just been waiting for you to be clever and step up, or maybe he didn't realize how he felt, but now that your mouth is pressed against his, he understands fully, and at this point your dreams can go in one of two directions where in one you just keep kissing, forever perhaps, but in the other you take him to bed and his body is just a lithe as you imagined it would be in a daydream just like this one, and that dream can divide as well into a vision where once awakened, all of that pale, slim body is crawling towards you with already bed-disheveled hair and lust in those cat eyes of his as if he really is some sort of great panther, all sensuous spine and ferocious grace, but you can also imagine yourself as the one who pulls his head back by that hair that's always soft and clean in your imagination so you can mark that pretty, pretty neck with your teeth, but you could just as easily lay light kisses along his shoulders, arms, back to soothe his fears until he's as wrapped up in you as you long to be in him.

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><p>You don't like to fantasize because it's not logical to make deductions when you don't have all of the facts, but sometimes you can't stop yourself from looking at the back of his neck where his short blond hair ends and think about the demarcation line that used to be there that you noticed when you first met him and the observation of which amazed him that first time in the taxi and you long to run your tongue down his vertebrae to see if he tastes differently from anyone else that you've ever run your tongue over, but you don't know what he would do and that amazes you but it also terrifies you because he should be so easy to read but he isn't and he isn't the kind that you would think that you would fall for, but his hands are more delicate than people think and his body is more compact than he lets himself show and even though evidence suggests that he wouldn't enjoy having another man run his tongue along his skin even for an experiment, you still hope that you're just missing some sort of clue or sign that will tell you if he would like you to tilt his head up to yours to kiss him, and in this daydream there's no awkwardness about his height or where your hands have been or what you've said or he's said to the contrary, because in the dream it's so easy to act on this feeling that you have when you look at him and you wonder if you could take him to bed and what that would be like, because you've seen so many facets to him that you aren't sure which he keeps in the bedroom, the soldier, the doctor, the friend, the smart-aleck colleague although that last one might not be so satisfying in bed so you pull that one from your fantasy because fantasies are all about ignoring logic and evidence and observation and creating what you want from whole-cloth and what you would like to create, what you imagine, is him being forceful but gentle and understanding when you can't be what he might want—no, this is the fantasy, you can be anything he wants here because you think that you might be able to let your guard down this time and evolve and that's terrifying too but maybe if he is what you think he might be, what you want him to be, then he will both help you to change and love you even if you don't.<p> 


End file.
